Saturday, I witnessed another glorious victory for our Trojans. We have lost one game to the bruins in the last dozen years, and the 2010 USC Trojans football season can be officially labeled a success. I know that I said humiliating Notre Dame and ucla were crucial parts of a successful season; but humiliating ucla is good enough. And humiliate them we did! I don’t even know anybody who went to Notre Dame, anyways. (I don’t spend any time in bars. Irish alum make great bartenders and bouncers.)
The pre-game tailgating featured, from what I hear, a legendary brawl in which 2 ucla fans were stabbed. A little research on my part found that these fans were not stabbed by Trojan fans (we’ve got more class than that), but by other bruins. Those fans turned out to be the luckiest ucla fans of the day – they didn’t have to stick around and take in the ass-kicking we laid on them. The Pasadena police department, meanwhile, did what they do best – cuffing ucla alums and stuffing them into paddy wagons.
The media coverage of Cam Newton this weekend can best be described as journalistic fellatio. Such a term is the only accurate description for articles that contain quotes like “In the face of scandal, Cam Newton has proven he is the college game’s gold standard.” Ugh. Let’s look at Cam’s illustrious college career so far. Cam backed up Tim Tebow at the University of Florida in 2007 and most of 2008; until he “walked into a dorm, and walked out with a laptop.” (Sound familiar Jeremiah Masoli?) Like Masoli, Newton was suspended from Florida; and decided to transfer rather than wait to be (almost) immediately reinstated. Newton transferred to a Junior College; then started looking back at Division I. His father, Cecil Newton – a preacher, started spreading the word around that it would cost “between $100,000 and $180,000” to land his son as a recruit. When this all came to light, the NCAA suspended Cam. Auburn immediately appealed, and Cam was immediately reinstated despite the NCAA’s finding that “Newton’s father and Rogers did in fact solicit Mississippi State for money in exchange for Cam Newton’s athletic service.” So – Cam Newton served a 2 hour suspension for that while Dillon Baxter missed a game for riding in a golf cart?
Enough politics; let’s talk some more about those pitiful bruins. I noticed that the trash talk was especially weak this year. Following is an excerpt from an actual e-mail I received from a bruin:
Trojans can win by 50 as far as I care! No bowl for 2 years is all I have to say. Losers!
First off, what kind of a fan says “I don’t care if you beat us by 50?” Only a bruin “fan.” For instance, Oregon laid a good beating on us this year, but I’ll still talk trash – sticking to such topics as their player’s rap sheets, their goofy duck mascot, or – more recently – just saying something like “Hey – you missed a spot! Obviously you didn’t attend Oregon’s House Painting 101 classes, and spent the time curating those “sweet dreads.”
The “no bowl game for 2 years” part is just silly. I’ll say it again – we’re not going to a bowl game for the next two years due to NCAA sanctions. ucla won’t go to a bowl game for the next two years because they SUCK. And, if you read my ucla preview column; you know that Rick Neweasel is due to be run out of Westwood on a rail next year.
As for the “Losers” part; I think the scoreboard on Saturday showed who that is. ‘Nuff said!
Those are pretty much the main topic of bruin trash talk, along with “All you U$C spoiled brats just live off your Daddies!” This one always puzzled me. If my dad had a nice fat 8-figure bank account and bought me everything I ever wanted; why would I feel bad about it? Yeah; it must really have sucked driving a BMW M3 to high school. I know I really feel awful when bruins call me “rich, intelligent and handsome.” Why don’t you just say “The girls don’t like Trojans for their brains – they’re just with you because you are rich and well-endowed.” Well, Thank You! Sure, bruins; you will graduate and go on to low-paying, thankless jobs – but there isn’t any dignity in poverty. If you’d just pull your heads out of your asses; you may just end up making some money for yourselves.
Now it’s time to talk about the game. Allen Bradford!!! What a game, and I’m happy that he got to put that on his pro resume. Now; some of the talking heads are saying “why didn’t Kiffin play him more this season?” Because this is the first game that I haven’t seen him fumble in!
Those same idiots (*cough* Scott Wolf *cough*) who are complaining about Lane’s “conservative play-calling” got to experience the flip-side of that in the 1st half. That failed fake field goal. It was a bummer and a bit of a momentum-killer. That’s why aggressive play calling is described that way – it is more likely to fail than succeed. Sure – more aggressive plays could have resulted in us beating Notre Dame, but it more likely would have led to us getting blown out! Calling plays aggressively demands that you be man enough to deal with the consequences when you fail – and none of you haters can do that.
Lane Kiffin is recruiting right now as you read this. He put together a #1 recruiting class in what – 3 weeks – last year? (Before Henderson’s defection. By the way – Miami’s coach was fired last week. How’s that working out for ya, Seantrel?) Imagine what Lane will put together for us when he has an entire year to recruit.
In summary – you bruins still suck. Trojan football is a year-round passion, so I’ll be posting every week. Remember – the bruins would KILL to be 8-5. Keep your heads up, and get your tickets for next year.