University of Arizona Preview

     While Arizona State catches tons of flack for its’ crappy football team and laughable academic standards, the University of Arizona is mostly ignored.  Although I spent a weekend partying at the U of A during my first year at USC, I still had to Google it to confirm that the school is in Tucson.  My memories from this trip are:

  1. Setting the 1994 Honda Civic land speed record of 124 mph on that last stretch into Tempe.  (We were going downhill with a stiff tailwind.)
  2. Two really bland nights of drinking, which mostly consisted of us looking out at the desert and reminding our hosts what a shithole Tempe is.
  3. The Trojans spanked the Wildcats, while the best trash-talk those meth-cooking fans could come up with was “The Trojans are named after a condom.”
  4. About 3AM Saturday morning, we had enough of Tempe.  I was woken up a couple hours later to take my turn driving.  The car had about a tablespoon of gas left at that time, and promptly sputtered to a stop – stranding us in the desert.

     Note that I really don’t remember anything specific about U of A, the town, the students there, or the parties.  ‘Nuff said!

     By the way, USC’s football team gained the “Trojans” nickname sometime during the early 1910’s.  (This was a vast improvement over our old name – The Fighting Methodists.)  So; the condoms must have been named “Trojans” as a tribute to the team, right?

     My closing argument for the inconsequential status of the U of Arizona can be found in the movie “Speed.”  (That dumb flick with Keanu Reeves and the bus.)  The villain called Sandra Bullock’s character a “Wildcat” in reference to the U of A shirt she was wearing.  The cop was able to figure out that the bomber was from Tempe because – who the hell else gives a shit what U of A’s mascot is?

     Note that this is my memory of that lousy movie.  I tried to find photo evidence of this online, but came up empty.  I was able to prove something, though.  The U of A has the goofiest looking cheerleaders in the world!


    On a side note, check out the search term that led someone to my blog yesterday:

    devry university mascot

    Nice work, Google – you can’t make that stuff up!

      As for the game tomorrow – I, of course, think we’re going to win.  I can’t really cite any evidence for this opinion, because I don’t know anything about the U of A team.  I can’t even name one player.  I do know that their coach is the brother of that crybaby Oklahoma coach, who is a pro at losing big games.  (I heard that he honed his craft working for Jim Tressel.)

      Sure – I could look it up, but I really don’t care.  Or I could take the lead of Marcia Clark, a really bad OC Register writer (By the way, singling out one OC Register writer as really bad is a BOLD statement.  Kind of like saying “worst criminal on death row.”)  She seems to research USC football solely by reading other poorly-written articles about the Trojans; and then summarizing them.  Sure – I could do that, but I really don’t care enough.  U of A is really a meaningless game to me now. 

      And not caring is really the ultimate insult.  For example; there was a guy in my fraternity who managed to get initiated despite the fact that everybody assotiated with the place hated his guts.  He is, in fact, probably the only man who learned anything constructive from his association with our house.  That lesson is; “as long as you kiss ass to the two people that count; it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.”  We were determined to show our distaste for this guy when “nickname choosing” time came around.  The moniker we came up with was “Dick sucking fool in ass kissing school.”  (You gotta admit this has a nice ring to it.)

     See; in the fraternity culture of the 1990’s, suggesting that someone was queer is the equivalent of insulting a gang member’s mother.  (In A Christmas Story it was the Triple Dog Dare.)  It was sure to provoke a violent reaction, and conveyed a message of hatred rather well.  So this name would have been a winner on many different levels.

     Then we realized something important; had a moment of clarity (of sorts).  The worst insult isn’t hating someone; it is just not caring.  The nickname “Who Cares?” was coined on the spot. 

     How good is U of A’s football team?  Who cares?  I’m focused on the goal of every SC football season.  Pete Carroll used to say it is playing in the Rose Bowl; but we all know that’s bullshit.  It is humiliating BOTH Notre Dame and ucla.  A perfect season is still within our grasp.  Let’s go get it!


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