Game Preview – Goin’ Duck Huntin’

   I fielded more than a few phone calls today from friends eager to hear “my take” on the SC-Ducks game tomorrow.  Which reminded me that I needed to post an update – badly.

      See – I’ve been busy with the usual distractions; running a business, raising a newborn baby, trying to find the right mix of trashy stuff for my Halloween costume.  This week was just crazier than usual.

     I received a letter from an asset manager today.  It was a typical “it’s not our fault that everything’s gone south” letter, and was written in the spirit of all such letters; including those I was still reading last year that blamed “the terrorist attacks of 2001.”  The letter began with:

Because of economic conditions, escalated regulatory pressures have forced the banking industry into an operating mode of excessive transaction scrutiny that has them behaving as opportunistic pariahs. This has been very unfortunate with expensive volatility!

     I was taught never to start a sentence with “because.”  This guy started a letter with it.  That’s a level of reckless confidence in stupidity rarely seen far away from Rick Neweasel or the ucla campus.  There must be a textbook assigned in remedial writing classes all over the country that says “just pack your sentences with adjectives; that’ll show ‘em how smart you are!”  Note that I didn’t even underline those two words above; that’s how the letter arrived!  A quick consultation with my dictionary confirmed my suspicions:


    It took me some time to translate that page and a half letter from “moron” to English.  Once I was done, I summarized it as:

We tried to go with Plan A; but it didn’t work.  Therefore, we are moving on to Plan B.  We will send you a form in the mail; please sign and return it.

    The fact that the author managed to stretch those 3 sentences into a mostly-unintelligible 900 words is a strong indicator that he attended ucla.  Through grade school, he polished his craft by padding his 200 word essays on “why I shouldn’t steal candy from teacher’s desk,” then took a course at ucla that aimed to help him fill the empty hours at his government job.

    Moving on through my A. Rip on ucla, B. Current events C. Game Preview outline; let’s talk Halloween.  Always planning ahead, I started shopping for my costume yesterday.  I was going to go as a “douchebag;” but cut-rate Ed Hardy t-shirts haven’t appeared at the thrift stores just yet.  Wearing powder-blue bruin paraphernalia is an accepted “alternate” form of douchebag.  We all know me wearing ucla gear isn’t going to happen, so I’ll just have to resurrect my old “Cowboy” costume from last year.  (Which also served as my “goin’ shootin’” uniform on a trip to Texas.)

     That brings us to the game.  I like our chances here.  As I mentioned before, Oregon has blown out such community-college powerhouses as New Mexico, Tennessee and Portland State.  They did beat Stanford, but we almost beat Stanford – in Palo Alto – despite the fact that we didn’t play any defense that night.  If our defense brings it like they did vs. those ugly Cal Bears, I think that we’ll win this game.

     Now for some Ducks trash-talking.  Chip Kelly told the Eugene Register Guard (5 cents – circulation 73) that the game was “ginormous.”  It’s not surprising that he talks that way; this is a guy who won’t kick players off the team even if they accumulate multiple felony arrests in a single month!  (That’s just a suspension.)  He let Blount back on the team last year because, as he said, “He did everything that we asked him to – you have to give that guy another chance!”  Oh yeah; “go to class, and don’t get arrested.”  When doing that makes you a “high achiever;” you are, well, an Oregon Duck.

     Fight on!  It’s Duck Huntin’ time!

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2 Responses to Game Preview – Goin’ Duck Huntin’

  1. Joe says:

    USC fan – what’s your favorite lawyer joke?

    • chrisuscfan says:

      Somewhat off topic, but I’ll bite!

      “The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a warning to women recommending that they use condoms during anal sex. Otherwise; they may give birth to a lawyer!”

      Not one to tell grandma; but that’s currently my favorite lawyer joke.

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