We’re back at the Coliseum playing Cal Berkeley Saturday. As I mentioned earlier, I admire Cal fans because they always “bring it” with the trash talk. Even though the Cal football team has been terrible for much of modern history; their fans still talk like they are, well, the Trojans. Of course; I still hate their guts. I warmed up by reading some of the bear fan comments on some other USC Blogs (See here), and am ready to write this week’s summary. As with negotiating; the secret to talking trash is research. This post should serve as some great Cliff Notes to get you started. I will, of course, be at the game and “bringing it” personally.
Aside from ucla, Cal fans are my favorite to trade insults with. My love affair with bashing the bears started while I was an undergrad at SC. The Berkeley chapter of my fraternity would drive down and stay with us once a year to attend their Los Angeles-area game. We had a lot in common – we hated each others’ guts, shared a love of binge drinking and had the same Greek letters on our T-shirts. They would park their rented RV – interior coated in puke – in the back lot and start talking. As with in football, the Trojans always won in trash talking; but we admired the bear fans for not giving up.
The first thing every Cal fan will say is “our school is better in academics.” If you check “the rankings,” you’ll notice that Cal may be a couple spots above us. So, truthfully, they are only slightly better. I think this entire argument is irrelevant, really. We’re talking about football here. It’s kind of like when bruins bring up the success of their women’s lacrosse team, and I answer “I don’t even know what that is.” Plus, I seem to remember Cal having a quarterback a few years ago that was dyslexic. The bears claimed that they sucked because he couldn’t remember the plays. Surely a “superior academic institution” could have taught the guy a football playbook, right?
Next will come “Well, we’ve got a better faculty.” This one’s interesting because “good faculty” really doesn’t have a standard measuring unit. It’s like saying “our grass is nicer.” (This definitely isn’t true for them. Their grass is dead from all the dirty Berkeley hippies sleeping on it.) I think that a faculty is best measured by the alumni produced. Frank Gehry, Neil Armstrong, John Wayne, Norman Schwarzkopf, Warren Christopher; you can look on Wikipedia and expand your list from here. What does Cal have? Dr. Theodore Kaczynski, The Unabomber, was a math professor there.
Hippies. Berkeley has lots of them; some of them are homeless. You may have noticed that there’s a homeless population around USC; but there’s a large difference here. The LA homeless are bums because of crack. The Berkeley homeless are bums because they are just too lazy to work. Think for a second about how much the weather sucks in the Bay Area. Yep – they are lazy enough to sleep outside in that. The whole city has a culture of sloth that has, fittingly, affected their football team as well.
On my first visit to Berkeley in 1993 or so, we asked a policeman near the campus where Telegraph was. The cop was too stoned to tell us correctly; I did think it was strange we was wearing mirrored sunglasses when it was grey and raining outside. Now, I think it’s your business if you want to use drugs but; a cop? In uniform? On duty? Sitting in a police car? C’mon! If you’ve ever been to Berkeley, you know that officer is FAR from the weirdest guy in town.
No trash talking session is complete without an evaluation of the women at Cal. A hippie culture, cold weather, and high grade requirements for admission all combine to form a unique band of ugly co-eds. It’s not that smart women aren’t good looking; the USC campus has plenty of hot, and smart, ones. Good looking women with intelligence are just smart enough not to attend Cal. Most people are familiar with the “rating system” of 1-10. Berkeley has what’s called a “skewed system.” See – a USC 9 doesn’t even exist at Cal. So – a girl that’s a 6 at USC can easily move to Berkeley and be a 10. But she’s too smart for that. Watch the Cal guys at the game checking out the women – they’ll zero in on a “4” and be impressed; “Wow; that’s what I love about SC women – they all shave their legs!” ‘Nuff said.
Lastly, Following the September 11 attacks, the city of Berkeley famously tried to prohibit their fire trucks from flying the American flag. There’s your closing argument there – rooting for Cal is just like hanging out with Bin Laden himself.
That should get you started. Now – go forth and bring it to those dirty hippies. I’ll be in the crowd with you; probably pointing out that OJ Simpson killed 2 people and, because he was a Trojan, played golf while the Unabomber sat in jail. (Although O.J. weakened that argument a bit last year.)